A look of… love.

I have been receiving many different types of looks since I had my hair done in tiny braids and wraps. Ranging from “ummm what is wrong with that woman” to “cool!” Thankfully I’ve gotten quite a few “So cool!” comments, even if they ended with “I could never do that!” I know my taste in clothing and style is very different than those that surround me now. If I wear knee high boots, they’ll have fringe and be faux suede. If I wear leggings, they’ll be covered as much as possible. I love going barefoot and so if my kids don’t HAVE to wear shoes I won’t put them on them. If they don’t have to brush their hair and look all proper for a job interview, I won’t make them. My children look as wild as they are. I love that. Just like I love flowers that are typically considered weeds (even the prickly ones!) I love my kids to be as natural as they want. 

I HATED having my hair brushed and done when I was little. It was not a fun thing for me and always ended in tears. My kids are bathed regularly (ok if you call sometimes twice a day and sometimes a day is skipped, regular) and they are well taken care of. Their needs are very well met and I border on a helicopter mom. They are loved that is the best of our (my husband-their dad and my) abilities. They are mostly well behaved even! I’m not going to force things that truly don’t matter when it’s all said and done. 

That all being said, I don’t mind the looks when it comes to me. But when a person gives my kid a dirty look because he’s wearing cowboy boots with gray skate style shorts and a red DC t-shirt, with his Mohawk all messy and wild, well that’s another story. He was being perfectly behaved, helping me carry his newly purchased birthday scooter and chatting away with me in a happy-go-lucky way that is purely him. He’s 5 and absolutely perfect to me. In that moment he was even being perfect in all ways that count. He was respectful of those around him and staying out of a main walking path and staying clear of all the crap that clutters the cash registers and typically tends to throw him into a grumpy fit because he can’t have any of the crap. He was being AMAZING!!

Yet, the cashier and some random lady both stared with scowls and dirty looks at him. There was no cheer in their eyes. Just judgment. I could have said something about the cashier and her frizzy hair in the same manner that she was judging my son. I didn’t even bother looking at what the other lady was wearing because I became more focused on loading up and talking with my son. 

Now, because I have been in a place where I end up placing my own worries and insecurities on others I checked myself and I feel clear of worries and insecurities (in this area anyways haha!). I am left with a feeling of wonder at people who feel children should be so restricted. I’m curious as to their thoughts on this, why they feel their children should look a certain way. Does this make them behave better? My children are pretty well behaved (and that’s including their delays which tend to create more difficult situations that would typically make the delayed child appear to others as horribly behaved) and are happy and friendly. Do you feel it teaches them something for the future? If so, what?

I truly am curious because I’m just doing what I feel is best but if there is a better way I am all for change! I want what’s best for my kids and if someone knows of something that would be great for my kids that would make a good difference in their lives and future then I’m absolutely interested in that. I will never claim to be all knowing, ESPECIALLY when it comes to parenting. I am just flying by the seat of my pants and a WHOLE LOT of faith in God. 

I hope that I will always give those around me a look of love and grace. I know my face is an open book and very expressive and I pray that every expression I give to others speaks of the grace that I am given by my Savior and God. 

Therefore if the Son makes you free, you shall be free indeed. (‭John‬ ‭8‬:‭36‬ NKJV) 

I’ll also, go ahead and leave my other wild boy here with his bed-head lol! I just love his wild hair!!!!!

I know all the birds of the mountains, And the wild beasts of the field are Mine. (‭Psalms‬ ‭50‬:‭11‬ NKJV)



So when they continued asking Him, He raised Himself up and said to them, “He who is without sin among you, let him throw a stone at her first.” And again He stooped down and wrote on the ground. (‭John‬ ‭8‬:‭7-8‬ NKJV)

I’ve heard many times people excuse their condemnation of people in obvious sin because they’re caught “red handed” like this woman was. This verse says so much about even those who have been caught in their sins. We don’t need to cast stones because we all have sinned. He doesn’t even pay it much attention but just goes about writing and doing what God has called Him to do. Paying no mind to the sins this woman committed but keeping His focus on what He was sent to do. 

Lord help me to be like Christ and to keep my focus on you rather than the sins of others so that I may walk in the light. In Jesus’ name, amen. 

So when they continued asking Him, He raised Himself up and said to them, “He who is without sin among you, let him throw a stone at her first.” And again He stooped down and wrote on the ground.

When Jesus had raised Himself up and saw no one but the woman, He said to her, “Woman, where are those accusers of yours? Has no one condemned you?” She said, “No one, Lord.” And Jesus said to her, “Neither do I condemn you; go and sin no more.” Then Jesus spoke to them again, saying, “I am the light of the world. He who follows Me shall not walk in darkness, but have the light of life.” (‭John‬ ‭8‬:‭7-8, 10-12‬ NKJV)

Hurt and Exclusion

And whoever will not receive you, when you go out of that city, shake off the very dust from your feet as a testimony against them.” (‭Luke‬ ‭9‬:‭5‬ NKJV)

I feel like a teenager. I never experienced being excluded much growing up. I was never kicked out of a group of friends because of whatever reason people do those things as a teenager. Since becoming a Christian I have experienced this three times now.  

I became apart of a Girls and God group a few years back when it was first formed. It was this amazing group where godly women got together and talked about the deepest parts of their lives. It helped us all not feel so alone. We shared all these things that drove us crazy and made us feel alone and excluded from the world only to discover we weren’t the only ones that were feeling that. We read the bible, we even listened to a few worship songs, and we had fellowship in Christ. 

The one who runs this group and I had been friends for about fifteen years. For a period of time we had a falling out because she liked to only hang out with certain girls and I wasn’t one. So I brought it up to her. We talked it out and things changed. Or did they?

When we moved to a different state I became unable to go to group every week (I now live 10 hours away) but I was so glad that I could continue to be apart of it on Facebook and pray for them when they’d post prayer requests. Lately that’s the most often I would pray. Today I was kicked out. The reason? I don’t go to it. Yep. Because every week I think “hmmm I just don’t feel like going to Girls and God this week. I’m going to skip.” That’s how I roll. I could totally drive over and go every week if I REALLY wanted to. (Insert sarcasm here). 

I’ve heard about how they began to exclude others who were even going regularly too. Evidently nothing actually changed. Evidently I just prolonged a crap friendship for another 10 years. Ugh. I’m so angry with myself! Why did I push that friendship? Don’t push friendships that go out of their way to make you feel bad by excluding you. Those people are not worth your time! I can guarantee you will regret it and end up far more hurt than you would have originally. 

What’s great (again sarcasm) is that in her “explanation” she even mentioned how she knew what a rough time I’d been going through with making friends in a new place. It’s like she waited until she knew I was at my lowest to kick me. Let me tell ya! The way to make someone who’s having a rough time with friends feel like a friend and that you care is to kick them out of the group! Seriously!!! 

Wisdom sucks. My parents were right. Ugh. If I had a dollar for every time I’ve said that I’d be a billionaire at LEAST!

Clinging to the fact that I know this is not who Christ wanted us to be. He is the friend that sticks closer than a brother no matter how far away I am from Him. He is my hope even when I doubt Him. 

Lord, please heal the hurts of friendship. Please create in me a friend that is loyal and never excluding. Help me to be the kind of friend that doesn’t do what is too often done. And God, please especially bring friends that are quality. In Jesus’ name, amen. 

Some music to listen to while you read 🙂


I think that we are gonna be friends…

Every time I move I end up in wonder at how much time I spent with people only to never hear from them again. How easily people toss out years of friendship because of change that makes things uncomfortable for them. Whether a marriage or a move these last few times have hurt the most. 

I’ve been told that we never have nearly as many friends as we think we do and far more acquaintances than we think. I’m finding this to be more true as time goes on. Time always reveals the truth and the truth can hurt so much that you just want to give up.  Get bitter rather than better. Believe the worst in everyone and not bother to learn from the past friendships and who they were with. 

Before I got married I had friends that I had spent every available moment with. Weekends, weekdays, so much time. We laughed, cried, prayed, shared secrets, shared TMI haha! So much. When I got married suddenly I didn’t get calls, no one told me about when they were hanging out. I’d call them and they’d tell me that they were hanging out somewhere and then leave an awkward silence that left me feeling that I very much wasn’t invited. 

My husband and I made new friends, married friends. We figured maybe it was that single people didn’t want to be friends with married people. Years spent with these people, weekends, weekdays, secrets, and TMI again. We all laughed and cried together and bonded over how we felt alone in so many things and realized that they were all dealing with the same things. 

Looking back I realize we did easy friendships. Only hanging out with people who lived close and it was always at one person’s house cause it was central and easy to drive to. Sure we shared hard times but it was always easy. They were easy going friendships. Evidently too easy going because most of them have easily gone. 

I feel like I’ve been tossed away so many times. Looking back and when we go back to visit the only thing we have to talk about with many of them is them wanting current gossip about us. My husband hasn’t heard anything from any of his “friends” he left behind that we hung out with so regularly and almost daily. Nothing. Not one single word. My mind is blown by this. How can someone spend that much time and we all put some effort into these friendships only to toss them out like garbage we don’t want to even smell again? I question my instincts in people. 

When we visited last we discovered that some friendships that were a bit more difficult to create were the best ones and the ones we wanted to see the most. We spent hours relaxed and at peace hanging out and spending time with these people and wished we hadn’t wasted time with others. 

I’m hoping to learn from these friendships. I’m hoping to get better and not bitter. I’m hoping this heart heals and doesn’t feel used anymore. Perhaps I need to pray for friendships that are only God ordained. Because although our previous friendships were all found through church I don’t see Christ tossing people away they way they have because something new and shiny came along. I don’t want to waste time with people who are going to toss me out like garbage. I don’t want them in my life at all, even superficially. But how do I go about removing them superficially? 

It’s like a fake nail. You know those acrylics you always got for prom? If they popped off they removed most of your natural nail and left your finger so vulnerable to being hurt. They’ve already popped up and are just waiting to rip off more of my protective nail so I’m left raw and vulnerable. 

Lord, guide me through this lonely time. Help me to make better choices and spend my time with quality people that won’t toss me or my husband away. Don’t let me waste my friendship on someone who only sees me as the newest shiny thing. In Jesus’ name, amen. 

I will not be shaken.

The other day, it was either at the memorial or the church service the following day- the weekend was a blur and my brain can’t keep it straight, we sang a song that had “I will not be shaken” sang repeatedly. I began to think about how this could be true. For me, it’s not. I have absolutely been shaken, stirred, turned upside down, emptied out, filled up, and started all over again.
Throughout my life my thoughts constantly get jumbled and too often demand to understand and want to know the whys of every single thing. Sometimes I get answers but when I feel I need them the most I get silence. The silence feels deafening and hurts so much and, unlike in Dr. Who, my heart and brain stores up these moments of silence and goes back to them all the time. I wish I’d only remember the times when I never got the silence!
Then this showed up in my newsfeed on fb; “If you’ve ever felt like God has abandoned you, remember: so did Jesus. Perhaps you are more alike than you realize…”. Talk about a shout after the silence. God is showing me how He can make great things happen from terrible tragedies. He can bring healing to wounds that we never even realized we’re still open. It’s been fourteen years and this broken heart is still broken after losing my mother in-law to cancer. But through the wise words of others and specifically an incredible Pastor (Pastor Matt Molt of New Vintage Church in the Tri Cities Washington, just in case you are ever there and want a great church to go to) my heart is being reshaped and put back together.
This very shaken heart that has questioned God far too often is being made whole again by the God who loves us all so very much.
He heals the brokenhearted And binds up their wounds. (‭Psalms‬ ‭147‬:‭3‬ NKJV)

WARNING she’s going into the deep.

It’s amazing to me how I can still be hit by verses so strongly whether I’ve read them once or a thousand times.
⭐️As you do not know what is the way of the wind, Or how the bones grow in the womb of her who is with child, So you do not know the works of God who makes everything. (‭Ecclesiastes‬ ‭11‬:‭5‬ NKJV)⭐️
As much as I think I know God and that I’m possibly Christian enough and read the bible enough to know Him, it doesn’t even touch the surface of how great He is.
I recently finished a book titled Atonement Child, by Francine Rivers. It’s about rape and abortion. Though there were parts that seemed inaccurate to me (I panicked when she talked about them strapping the girl and securing her onto the stretcher after she was raped. No. No. No!!! Trapped is how I would feel and I’d want to fight to get away. You don’t strap a rape victim down and load them into a vehicle full of men, even if they are emergency personnel.) but many others hit home so precisely it was definitely either well researched or spoken from experience. The healing that Christ can bring. The light that He can shine on such a horrific thing.
I am a rape survivor. Not a victim. A survivor. I hate the word victim. It makes me seem like I’m some weak and helpless thing. I am not, I am strong because He is my strength. God took the disgusting choice made by a man and made it a scar that I can look at and see that it happened and understand others in a whole new light. It helped me to listen to that still small voice that warns me about people who aren’t in His will and will make choices that could hurt me or those I love and I can make better decisions for how to deal with those people.
I am not without scars from that event in my life. I battle claustrophobia to the point that I panic when putting on a shirt takes too long. But when I give that panic to God, oh it’s AMAZING! I was once preparing to drive over a bridge that I know makes me panic and things start to go dark. I was DRIVING! So of course I knew I’d better start preparing for it. I prayed and God suddenly showed me all the places that the light shine through onto the bridge. It was so beautiful! It went from my going to tunnel vision to being surrounded by sunbeams bright and glittering and beautiful. Where I’d normally feel as if someone very large was pressing down on me and making it difficult to take a breath, my lungs opened to full capacity and a freedom entered.
Maybe I need to start praying before I put shirts on for just in case.
This book also touched on how many women (in the church and out of the church) have received abortions. It spoke on a side of it that had never even crossed my mind.
Before I remembered the rape, it happened when I was 8 years old so my child brain repressed it until it was safe to remember (and of course it picked the absolute WORST time, when my new husband and I were being intimate.), I was very much for abortion. Before it came out that the whole basis of the woman’s story that the judgment was made on was a lie, my thoughts and heart was with her. WHY would ANY woman want to carry her rapist’s child?! Of COURSE she should have an abortion! Later on, I became a Christian and changed my mind, still before I remembered my rape, and thought that maybe God could bring something beautiful from something horrific through a child that may be made from a disgusting excuse of a human being but would also be made from a woman who is strong and beautiful and wonderful.
Once I remembered everything it gave me a lot more to consider. The man who raped me was my step-father. Instead of being a strong male figure in my life, he was a weak and sick person. He had kids from a previous marriage, two daughters and a son. After a few years of healing I realized, those kids, would I go and kill them because he is their father? He may have been apart of creating them, but he is DEFINITELY NOT their Creator. He didn’t make them who they are. We are each who we choose to be. Every choice we make from what clothes to wear to the thoughts we have, that makes us who we are. Even God can’t make us who we are. He guides us, He tries to get us to make the right choices, but in the end He gave us free will. He created us so that He could have children who FREELY choose to love Him. Who will love Him for who He is and not because He created them without free-will. There’s so much more that that whole thing that I can’t even begin to write it all down right now.
My point is, He didn’t make it happen and my stepdad’s children hold no fault in it either.
Now, I had a few years to think on all of it and heal from it all. Thankfully I was too young to become pregnant. Thankfully I didn’t have to make that decision in a much shorter amount of time. If I had, I’m sure I would have made one that I would regret for the rest of my life. I would have come to the same conclusion I did because I would have healed from it. Hindsight is 20/20. This holds true all too often.
I know who I am. I was made by two very flawed people and one GREAT God. My birth mom is so very flawed it makes my heart ache. My dad, he is flawed but he is trying. I am neither of them. They made choices in their lives that have hurt people horribly. I didn’t make those choices. I am separate from them. I may hold their DNA but I do not hold their spirit or their heart. I am me. I take the hurts that have happened and I choose either bitter or better. Some days I choose bitter and end up regretting things. But many days I have chosen better and as a result I can make things better around me too!
No child/fetus/person is who their parents are. They come into this world perfect and untouched by this dark world and they can shine a light that glitters and glows and opens your lungs to breathe freely.
I hope the words of my heart written here help someone. I hope that they shed some light in a darkness that I know too many are going through right now. I pray that God pokes some starlight holes into your darkness that lead to a light brighter than the sun and a joy that is overwhelming. If the words I wrote hurt anyone I pray God changes the words so that they’re His because His words bring healing and that’s what I want for everyone who has been through any situation similar to what I went through.
May the Son shine bright in your life and make your scars like gold filigree.

Sorrow and perspective

3 times my heart has been so completely shattered that I can’t see any possibility of it being mended. The pieces can’t possibly be put back together. But because I’ve kept breathing I know I’ll keep breathing and keep going still.
How is it possible to have your heart this broken and still keep living?
I thought I was having a bad day. I thought I was having a bad week! It’s been over a week since my husband or I got any decent sleep. Between that and a nasty previous client (whom I hadn’t had any contact with because she was, until recently, happy with the work done and I’d fulfilled my contract and then some to her) suddenly showed back up by messaging me multiple nasty and hurtful messages on fb, the kids were bickering and made an even bigger mess than usual, then my 2.5 year old got sick and coughed nonstop through the night and didn’t sleep, took him to the urgent care today and it was as if he’d slept perfectly and he was running on the ceiling, I was drenched in sweat and got no answers from the dr but I did get a ton of exasperation. It just seemed to be on thing after another and I was just done. I cried a bit on the way home from the urgent care and cried some more once we got home. So tired and frustrated with my kid.
Then I got a call. It was like being sucker punched by perspective. Every little thing I’d been frustrated and upset about faded and turned into a ray of sunshine. A friend’s baby boy had died.
Not just any baby boy. He was about 8 months old and a twin. I had just commented on the sweet video that his mama had posted of him saying “mama”. I had just like the video of him and his brother giggling together. I’d just liked the picture of him being silly and wanting to eat again after he’d just ate only because his brother was eating. Just like that, he is gone.
I couldn’t say anything but “no” over and over and over again. I began to hope that she was wrong and had been misinformed. After hanging up I went to my knees and didn’t get up for at least an hour. I begged and pleaded with God to please breathe life back into this sweet baby boy. To let him live a long happy life here on earth. I apologized for not being thankful for my children at all times and bargained saying I would now but please bring him back.
After 3 hours of crying and holding my babies as much as they’d let me, I actively began to try to stop. It’s been 5 hours now and I’m still crying off and on.
I don’t understand. My pleading of “no” has transformed to “I don’t understand”. It’s taken me back to the day that I got the call that my sweet little cousin whom we’d searched for and posted missing flyers had been found , he’d shot himself and committed suicide. It took me back to when I, and many others, believed and prayed for my incredibly amazing mother in-law would be completely healed from cancer and the morning I was woken by my father in-law because she had passed. It took me back to the moment when I heard sweet baby Knox had left this world after only a few short days of life here.
I don’t understand. I don’t see His plan in this. I am so blinded by the pain and sorrow of loss. The thought of “what would it take for me to stop believing” crosses my mind as things like this make me question His will. I want my will to be His so desperately.
This is where I will stand. I will stand in the knowledge that Your will is perfect and far greater than mine. I will stand in the knowledge that you know the end of it all as well as the beginning and I could never fathom the inner workings of You oh God. I stand in faith that You heal the broken hearted and make all things great. I stand knowing that You are counting my tears and will bring joy for every one.
I stand in those things because He gives me strength when I do. He gives me strength to keep going when I want to quit. He whispers “know that I am God” and gently reminds me of how much greater and better He loves each and every one of us. I stand in those things because when I fall it is always Him that picks me up again.
The things I stand in are the only things I truly know and understand. He is great. When I need a reminder I look at the heavens and how perfect they were made. How constant but ever changing. When I look to people around me I no longer understand. But when I look at the things He made without the sin that distorts it all, I breathe in deep with understanding.
To console those who mourn in Zion, To give them beauty for ashes, The oil of joy for mourning, The garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; That they may be called trees of righteousness, The planting of the LORD, that He may be glorified.” (‭Isaiah‬ ‭61‬:‭3‬ NKJV)

I’ll bring the principal out then!

Today I learned something very valuable. I am no longer afraid of the principal. Hahahaha!!!!! YOU HAVE NO POWER HERE!!!!!!! Lol!
Dropping my 5 year old off at school today I was getting out to get my son all set to head on his way when this irate, stomping, fuming, woman comes up to me and starts yelling at me telling me I was in a busses only zone. I’m not a genius or anything but I consider myself to have at least enough brain cells left to distinguish a busses only zone so I explained to her (and pointed out) that the painted letters on the ground said “Drop Off Zone”, and there was a fixed and permanent sign saying “Please stay with your vehicle (NOT bus) when dropping off students”, and many other ways that I’d been told that I could in fact drop my child off in the exact location that I was dropping him off in. She huffed and puffed and told me “Well I’ll get the principal then!” And I responded with “Go ahead.” She stomped away and I hugged and kissed my son goodbye, climbed back into the driver’s seat and watched for about 10 seconds to make sure my son went where he was supposed to and then pulled out and drove around to park and wait for the principal. She climbed into her bus and drove away.
Wanting to get clarification on this since she was so irate and demanding and sure of herself, I locked my children in the running vehicle and went inside and spoke with one of the crossing guard ladies (she was very sweet but didn’t know that there was any bus zone out front, it’s a walk only school but some special needs students take the bus.) So I asked the front desk lady. She explained to me that the buses aren’t to arrive until 8:15 (I always drop my son off before then) and they put a little folding sign that says “buses only” out to notify people. I have never been there (until today) after 8:15, so I had never seen the sign. In the end we were both right and it’s all fine and dandy… except I haven’t explained this to her.
I plan on writing her a little note (or just talking to her, if it’s safe) and taking her a cookie (her blood sugar must have been very low I’m sure) and explaining to her what the front desk people told me. (Also, the special needs classes aren’t always in session so they won’t always have the buses only zone from 8:15-8:30 even)
When she approached me in her angry and rude manner I reacted with a snotty tone and was pissed that she come at me like that. 8am is way too early to deal with any bull… own-y… especially, ESPECIALLY from strangers. I was left wondering what made her think she could speak to strangers in that manner. I wondered at what kind of angry and bitter person she must be to approach anyone in the way she did.
Then! I picked my son up. I was early enough so I could get the sweet spot in the drop off zone (no buses at pick up time), and parked right before the crosswalk. More cars pulled up and one parked just on the other side of the crosswalk and we both (cause we have brains in our heads) left the crosswalk open for it to be used as it was intended. Then this lady pulls up in her PT cruiser (bright blue with flames) and parks ON THE CROSSWALK, across from an open parking space. She gets out of her car and pulls her (I’m guessing granddaughter) out of the back and locks her car and takes the little girl to play. My thought was, hmm maybe the bus driver lady has seen too much of this? My son is let out and I get him situated in the car and go to leave and there’s a large white truck (ford f-250) parked NEXT TO THE FLAMING PT CRUISER!!!!!! ON THE SIDEWALK!!!! Blocking anyone from leaving. I sat there dumbfounded. This is what the poor woman sees.
If you are one of these people who do this, please smack yourself upside the head. You and your children are not so important that you can break the law, double park, and block everyone from safely crossing to the parking lot or actually leaving the parking lot. The lady that climbed into the truck at least had the decency to give her husband/boyfriend/whateverman driving the truck a dirty look and she gave an “I’m so sorry” look to everyone else.
I get it bus driver lady. I get it. You thought I was one of these ignorant morons that just do whatever pleases me. I’m not. Please don’t show up at the school 10 minutes early and expect everyone to accommodate you as you stay parked in the DROP OFF ZONE for 20 minutes. Be kind. Be polite. The person you spoke with is a STRANGER. You had no clue how I would react. Be glad I’m on JUST this side of crazy and didn’t match you anger for anger. I get that you see too many idiots daily but that’s life. Laugh and shake your head at their stupidity. Otherwise you’re going to stomp your way into looking like an angry bull.
Let’s not make drop offs and pick ups anymore of a pain in the arse than they already are eh?
Love, grace, and joyful mornings to you all!!!

Twitchy shouldn’t be let out in public.

Ever had a day that had every inch of you twitching from stress? Where you lay there dizzy, you literally feel like the room is rocking, and twitching from the troubles of the day. That is what’s happening right now.
My husband and I planned for a fun trip for him to go on all by himself. He left Friday and shortly after my oldest began to complain about not feeling good “at all”. His head hurt, his mouth hurt, his tummy hurt. Just not feeling well. Kept him on ibuprofen, he had snagged some goldfish at MOPS Thursday and I figured it was mainly the effects of that. A gluten headache (if you’re intolerant) is the nastiest thing. It makes a migraine look like a walk in the park. Friday flew by!
Then, 2:50am comes, I’d already been up a few times with my youngest, my middle, and my oldest child for various reasons; new bottles, couldn’t find her bottle, clean diaper, needed a flashlight to go potty. Suddenly I’m jolted from sleep to a loud cry of “MOMMYYYY!!!!!” He very rarely calls me mommy, I’m almost always “mama”. I race as fast as I can down the hallway and ask him what’s wrong. He’s just crying and blubbering and I couldn’t understand a word. Then he coughs and gags and suddenly we are racing to the toilet.
I’m pretty sure I still had puke on me until sometime around noon. He officially has a virus and it’s a phlegmy one. Between his cranky and fussiness and the neediness that comes with 2 and 1 year olds… I am laying here shaking and shivering from blood pressure craziness.
I know there are single parents out there with no family or friends that help them. I got a glimpse today. I don’t want to look any deeper. No more!! Please no more!!! I have to believe that going to a job brings some balance and relief to the craziness that is small children. Missing them like crazy and being away from them would bring balance to the cling-ons.
But even then. The price of daycare is absolutely insane. If you work 5 days a week, the cheapest I’ve found is $20/day. Doesn’t sound too bad right? No. That’s $400/month. Let’s say you work for $10/hr full time, that’s $1,600/month, (GROSS pay), rent is $800-$1,000, at the most that leaves you with $400 to pay electric bills/phone/food/baby necessities/and various other necessities. That goes FAST!
My brain just can’t handle it.
Then! If your kid gets sick, hey let’s say you have more than one. Let’s say you have 3! That’s going to add at least another $200 to the childcare bill. So, now you have $200 for bills and necessities. And if your kid gets sick, they can’t go to daycare but most daycares make you pay the flat full time fees whether they come or not so you’re still out $600 but you lose a day of work. Plus, with 3 kids they don’t all get sick at the same time, they take turns and drag it all out for months on end. Suddenly, you’re fired because you haven’t been in to work because your kid can’t go to daycare because they’re sick.
I just. No. My heart is being torn to pieces for people out there who live this life. I have no doubt that you figure it out somehow, someway. Because what else can you do? But it’s that very thing that makes my mind explode in awe. You’re freakin amazing!!! Do you know that?! (I’m hoping one of them some day finds this blog. We all know it won’t be when they’re in the midst of it cause any free time they have is used to breathe.)
You. You are freaking amazing. You made it through hours and days and months and years of this stress.
It’s times like this that I think of my birth mom. She was a single parent to 5 children at one time. The oldest was 10 when she started the single parenthood. She relied heavily on that 10 year old and boy did that 10 year old end up damaged. She still complains about it to this day. Talks to me as if it was my fault. Cause I was born and she was 10 years old and being forced to deal with me. Her poor 10 year old brain is still pissed. I don’t blame her. I don’t blame our mom either. Not for relying on her oldest. She’s got plenty of blame for her shoulders for other things but this, not even a little.
When I was 4 she moved us all to a new city where she only knew people from the church we went to. They helped but after awhile we didn’t see any of them anymore. I can imagine it was a huge strain on them and they just couldn’t handle it. She worked nights and days and was probably so relieved that 4 out of 5 of us were in school full days. We lived with some of the friends for awhile and then moved into a 3 bedroom, 1 bathroom, apartment. She slept in the living room, us kids got the bedrooms. My brother left home when he was 13 or 14. He moved in with friends of his, a sweet lds family that made an impact in his life.
I remember neighbors complaining that we were left home alone too much. They never offered to help. But they made sure we knew they didn’t like how we were living.
My memories of my youngest years are so vivid and clear because (according to studies) you tend to remember things better when they were mixed with traumas. Of course they also say you regress things and forget lots because of traumas. Pretty sure they don’t know what they’re talking about in the end.
It is strange to look back on my 12 and under years and see them through the eyes of an adult and a mom. I see things so differently. I have compassion for my birth mom that I never did before. She made so many mistakes. But she was so very broken.
Sexually abused in her childhood, losing a son, divorce, raising 5 kids, and add to that mental illness that she refused to acknowledge and take care of.
I have forgiven her for the many mistakes that she made in raising me. This doesn’t mean I’d welcome her back into my life, no, she hasn’t made any choices to stop making those same mistakes and so she won’t be allowed to make them with my children or continue to make them with me. I love her and I have forgiven her. I can’t imagine how living this every single day would chip away at my sanity and my mind.
The strength that is required to live this kind of life is so immense. I find it hard to believe that anyone even attempts without God.
How do they do it?!
So here I am. Less twitchy, but still shouldn’t be allowed out in public. I’m sure I’ll scare the natives lol!