Kicking and Screaming

That’s how I reacted when I found out I was pregnant. I was terrified. But our first boy was so easy until about 2.5-3.
We have now entered that stage with our second son and I’m having an EXTREMELY hard time with it. This kid screams and cries and kicks ALL THE TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!! You tell him “no”, he can’t kick and shove his 1 yr old sister away from mama and he screams and flails and throws a fit. He asks you a question “where’s dada?” And you answer him “He’s at work” and he screams “NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!” And proceeds to throw a tantrum.
Nothing works with him. I whisper “Stop. Shhhhh. No more fit.” And he keeps screaming. I hold him and hug him, and he screams in my ear. After about half an hour I have been known to lose it and yell back. Many times I have ended up in tears with him.
I have PTSD from this and any time I move or cough I twitch and my stomach lurches because it might set him off.
He has been tested and is doing fine. Supposedly, this is NORMAL. Well, is using duct tape during the stage “normal” cause it should be.
What makes it really difficult is, when it’s all over and I want to be as far away from him as possible, he wants to hug and hold me and give me kisses. Seriously. Or sometimes, he’ll stick out his bottom lip so far (this one has some plump lips as it is and this, this just takes the cake) and look up at me with his big beautiful blue eyes and be so freaking adorable I’ll think “he’ll fool anyone into thinking he’s perfect and sweet when he’s actually a terror.” It’s a very good thing he’s so cute or I don’t know if I’d even like the kid at all. (Though his cuteness factor may be a bias, I’m pretty sure God knew how much this kid would make me want to throw myself from a moving vehicle.)
He’s got perfect little ringlets in his soft brown hair that easily turn wild and a bit ratted dread lock like. These don’t help me. Round, apple cheeks, that are so soft and sweet. As previously stated, big blue eyes, that are surrounded by eyelashes for days. Lips that are like two short fat gummy worms and as sweet too when he puckers them up for a kiss. All combine to make the perfect weapon. The look of sweet innocence. Almost fictional cuteness. And then… WHAM!!!! A yell that tears your hair right off your head. A scream that makes your mind run away. Kicks that put bass drums to shame for shaking and vibrating an entire house.
I had never known stress until this stage. I have never been reduced to tears and laying lifelessly so much. It sucks every ounce of life, joy, peace, anything good or decent, out of me. I think a steamroller would leave more of me behind.
I look at the future and see this long dark tunnel of screaming. Like the hall of a haunted house. Actually, that describes it perfectly. The hall of a haunted house, because even if nothing is happening you still have that sick feeling and are ready to jump sky high. The anxiety shoots through the roof.
Then, suddenly the clouds clear and he’s hugging me and pressing his cheek to my own cheek, neck or chest as he holds on tightly, hoping to have a sign that I still love him. He snuggles in and is ready to stay there. But then, his sister needs attention or his brother does and it starts all over again. He may have been meant to be an only child. Definitely not meant for a middle child but here we are.
The bright side is, he has worn me down to not worry about WHY my kid is screaming because the odds are, there’s absolutely no sense to why and nothing wrong with the kid either. So… yay for that.
I hope you enjoy this little dose of birth control. If you’re sad about not having children, please don’t judge me for having a hard time HAVING children. I do that enough for everyone. But DO feel free to come on over and listen to the screaming, I’ve had at least one friend who was having conception problems say “ohhh I’m SOOOO glad I don’t have kids!” So we can help with that.


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