Twitchy shouldn’t be let out in public.

Ever had a day that had every inch of you twitching from stress? Where you lay there dizzy, you literally feel like the room is rocking, and twitching from the troubles of the day. That is what’s happening right now.
My husband and I planned for a fun trip for him to go on all by himself. He left Friday and shortly after my oldest began to complain about not feeling good “at all”. His head hurt, his mouth hurt, his tummy hurt. Just not feeling well. Kept him on ibuprofen, he had snagged some goldfish at MOPS Thursday and I figured it was mainly the effects of that. A gluten headache (if you’re intolerant) is the nastiest thing. It makes a migraine look like a walk in the park. Friday flew by!
Then, 2:50am comes, I’d already been up a few times with my youngest, my middle, and my oldest child for various reasons; new bottles, couldn’t find her bottle, clean diaper, needed a flashlight to go potty. Suddenly I’m jolted from sleep to a loud cry of “MOMMYYYY!!!!!” He very rarely calls me mommy, I’m almost always “mama”. I race as fast as I can down the hallway and ask him what’s wrong. He’s just crying and blubbering and I couldn’t understand a word. Then he coughs and gags and suddenly we are racing to the toilet.
I’m pretty sure I still had puke on me until sometime around noon. He officially has a virus and it’s a phlegmy one. Between his cranky and fussiness and the neediness that comes with 2 and 1 year olds… I am laying here shaking and shivering from blood pressure craziness.
I know there are single parents out there with no family or friends that help them. I got a glimpse today. I don’t want to look any deeper. No more!! Please no more!!! I have to believe that going to a job brings some balance and relief to the craziness that is small children. Missing them like crazy and being away from them would bring balance to the cling-ons.
But even then. The price of daycare is absolutely insane. If you work 5 days a week, the cheapest I’ve found is $20/day. Doesn’t sound too bad right? No. That’s $400/month. Let’s say you work for $10/hr full time, that’s $1,600/month, (GROSS pay), rent is $800-$1,000, at the most that leaves you with $400 to pay electric bills/phone/food/baby necessities/and various other necessities. That goes FAST!
My brain just can’t handle it.
Then! If your kid gets sick, hey let’s say you have more than one. Let’s say you have 3! That’s going to add at least another $200 to the childcare bill. So, now you have $200 for bills and necessities. And if your kid gets sick, they can’t go to daycare but most daycares make you pay the flat full time fees whether they come or not so you’re still out $600 but you lose a day of work. Plus, with 3 kids they don’t all get sick at the same time, they take turns and drag it all out for months on end. Suddenly, you’re fired because you haven’t been in to work because your kid can’t go to daycare because they’re sick.
I just. No. My heart is being torn to pieces for people out there who live this life. I have no doubt that you figure it out somehow, someway. Because what else can you do? But it’s that very thing that makes my mind explode in awe. You’re freakin amazing!!! Do you know that?! (I’m hoping one of them some day finds this blog. We all know it won’t be when they’re in the midst of it cause any free time they have is used to breathe.)
You. You are freaking amazing. You made it through hours and days and months and years of this stress.
It’s times like this that I think of my birth mom. She was a single parent to 5 children at one time. The oldest was 10 when she started the single parenthood. She relied heavily on that 10 year old and boy did that 10 year old end up damaged. She still complains about it to this day. Talks to me as if it was my fault. Cause I was born and she was 10 years old and being forced to deal with me. Her poor 10 year old brain is still pissed. I don’t blame her. I don’t blame our mom either. Not for relying on her oldest. She’s got plenty of blame for her shoulders for other things but this, not even a little.
When I was 4 she moved us all to a new city where she only knew people from the church we went to. They helped but after awhile we didn’t see any of them anymore. I can imagine it was a huge strain on them and they just couldn’t handle it. She worked nights and days and was probably so relieved that 4 out of 5 of us were in school full days. We lived with some of the friends for awhile and then moved into a 3 bedroom, 1 bathroom, apartment. She slept in the living room, us kids got the bedrooms. My brother left home when he was 13 or 14. He moved in with friends of his, a sweet lds family that made an impact in his life.
I remember neighbors complaining that we were left home alone too much. They never offered to help. But they made sure we knew they didn’t like how we were living.
My memories of my youngest years are so vivid and clear because (according to studies) you tend to remember things better when they were mixed with traumas. Of course they also say you regress things and forget lots because of traumas. Pretty sure they don’t know what they’re talking about in the end.
It is strange to look back on my 12 and under years and see them through the eyes of an adult and a mom. I see things so differently. I have compassion for my birth mom that I never did before. She made so many mistakes. But she was so very broken.
Sexually abused in her childhood, losing a son, divorce, raising 5 kids, and add to that mental illness that she refused to acknowledge and take care of.
I have forgiven her for the many mistakes that she made in raising me. This doesn’t mean I’d welcome her back into my life, no, she hasn’t made any choices to stop making those same mistakes and so she won’t be allowed to make them with my children or continue to make them with me. I love her and I have forgiven her. I can’t imagine how living this every single day would chip away at my sanity and my mind.
The strength that is required to live this kind of life is so immense. I find it hard to believe that anyone even attempts without God.
How do they do it?!
So here I am. Less twitchy, but still shouldn’t be allowed out in public. I’m sure I’ll scare the natives lol!


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