Monthly Archives: January 2015

WARNING she’s going into the deep.

It’s amazing to me how I can still be hit by verses so strongly whether I’ve read them once or a thousand times.
⭐️As you do not know what is the way of the wind, Or how the bones grow in the womb of her who is with child, So you do not know the works of God who makes everything. (‭Ecclesiastes‬ ‭11‬:‭5‬ NKJV)⭐️
As much as I think I know God and that I’m possibly Christian enough and read the bible enough to know Him, it doesn’t even touch the surface of how great He is.
I recently finished a book titled Atonement Child, by Francine Rivers. It’s about rape and abortion. Though there were parts that seemed inaccurate to me (I panicked when she talked about them strapping the girl and securing her onto the stretcher after she was raped. No. No. No!!! Trapped is how I would feel and I’d want to fight to get away. You don’t strap a rape victim down and load them into a vehicle full of men, even if they are emergency personnel.) but many others hit home so precisely it was definitely either well researched or spoken from experience. The healing that Christ can bring. The light that He can shine on such a horrific thing.
I am a rape survivor. Not a victim. A survivor. I hate the word victim. It makes me seem like I’m some weak and helpless thing. I am not, I am strong because He is my strength. God took the disgusting choice made by a man and made it a scar that I can look at and see that it happened and understand others in a whole new light. It helped me to listen to that still small voice that warns me about people who aren’t in His will and will make choices that could hurt me or those I love and I can make better decisions for how to deal with those people.
I am not without scars from that event in my life. I battle claustrophobia to the point that I panic when putting on a shirt takes too long. But when I give that panic to God, oh it’s AMAZING! I was once preparing to drive over a bridge that I know makes me panic and things start to go dark. I was DRIVING! So of course I knew I’d better start preparing for it. I prayed and God suddenly showed me all the places that the light shine through onto the bridge. It was so beautiful! It went from my going to tunnel vision to being surrounded by sunbeams bright and glittering and beautiful. Where I’d normally feel as if someone very large was pressing down on me and making it difficult to take a breath, my lungs opened to full capacity and a freedom entered.
Maybe I need to start praying before I put shirts on for just in case.
This book also touched on how many women (in the church and out of the church) have received abortions. It spoke on a side of it that had never even crossed my mind.
Before I remembered the rape, it happened when I was 8 years old so my child brain repressed it until it was safe to remember (and of course it picked the absolute WORST time, when my new husband and I were being intimate.), I was very much for abortion. Before it came out that the whole basis of the woman’s story that the judgment was made on was a lie, my thoughts and heart was with her. WHY would ANY woman want to carry her rapist’s child?! Of COURSE she should have an abortion! Later on, I became a Christian and changed my mind, still before I remembered my rape, and thought that maybe God could bring something beautiful from something horrific through a child that may be made from a disgusting excuse of a human being but would also be made from a woman who is strong and beautiful and wonderful.
Once I remembered everything it gave me a lot more to consider. The man who raped me was my step-father. Instead of being a strong male figure in my life, he was a weak and sick person. He had kids from a previous marriage, two daughters and a son. After a few years of healing I realized, those kids, would I go and kill them because he is their father? He may have been apart of creating them, but he is DEFINITELY NOT their Creator. He didn’t make them who they are. We are each who we choose to be. Every choice we make from what clothes to wear to the thoughts we have, that makes us who we are. Even God can’t make us who we are. He guides us, He tries to get us to make the right choices, but in the end He gave us free will. He created us so that He could have children who FREELY choose to love Him. Who will love Him for who He is and not because He created them without free-will. There’s so much more that that whole thing that I can’t even begin to write it all down right now.
My point is, He didn’t make it happen and my stepdad’s children hold no fault in it either.
Now, I had a few years to think on all of it and heal from it all. Thankfully I was too young to become pregnant. Thankfully I didn’t have to make that decision in a much shorter amount of time. If I had, I’m sure I would have made one that I would regret for the rest of my life. I would have come to the same conclusion I did because I would have healed from it. Hindsight is 20/20. This holds true all too often.
I know who I am. I was made by two very flawed people and one GREAT God. My birth mom is so very flawed it makes my heart ache. My dad, he is flawed but he is trying. I am neither of them. They made choices in their lives that have hurt people horribly. I didn’t make those choices. I am separate from them. I may hold their DNA but I do not hold their spirit or their heart. I am me. I take the hurts that have happened and I choose either bitter or better. Some days I choose bitter and end up regretting things. But many days I have chosen better and as a result I can make things better around me too!
No child/fetus/person is who their parents are. They come into this world perfect and untouched by this dark world and they can shine a light that glitters and glows and opens your lungs to breathe freely.
I hope the words of my heart written here help someone. I hope that they shed some light in a darkness that I know too many are going through right now. I pray that God pokes some starlight holes into your darkness that lead to a light brighter than the sun and a joy that is overwhelming. If the words I wrote hurt anyone I pray God changes the words so that they’re His because His words bring healing and that’s what I want for everyone who has been through any situation similar to what I went through.
May the Son shine bright in your life and make your scars like gold filigree.

Sorrow and perspective

3 times my heart has been so completely shattered that I can’t see any possibility of it being mended. The pieces can’t possibly be put back together. But because I’ve kept breathing I know I’ll keep breathing and keep going still.
How is it possible to have your heart this broken and still keep living?
I thought I was having a bad day. I thought I was having a bad week! It’s been over a week since my husband or I got any decent sleep. Between that and a nasty previous client (whom I hadn’t had any contact with because she was, until recently, happy with the work done and I’d fulfilled my contract and then some to her) suddenly showed back up by messaging me multiple nasty and hurtful messages on fb, the kids were bickering and made an even bigger mess than usual, then my 2.5 year old got sick and coughed nonstop through the night and didn’t sleep, took him to the urgent care today and it was as if he’d slept perfectly and he was running on the ceiling, I was drenched in sweat and got no answers from the dr but I did get a ton of exasperation. It just seemed to be on thing after another and I was just done. I cried a bit on the way home from the urgent care and cried some more once we got home. So tired and frustrated with my kid.
Then I got a call. It was like being sucker punched by perspective. Every little thing I’d been frustrated and upset about faded and turned into a ray of sunshine. A friend’s baby boy had died.
Not just any baby boy. He was about 8 months old and a twin. I had just commented on the sweet video that his mama had posted of him saying “mama”. I had just like the video of him and his brother giggling together. I’d just liked the picture of him being silly and wanting to eat again after he’d just ate only because his brother was eating. Just like that, he is gone.
I couldn’t say anything but “no” over and over and over again. I began to hope that she was wrong and had been misinformed. After hanging up I went to my knees and didn’t get up for at least an hour. I begged and pleaded with God to please breathe life back into this sweet baby boy. To let him live a long happy life here on earth. I apologized for not being thankful for my children at all times and bargained saying I would now but please bring him back.
After 3 hours of crying and holding my babies as much as they’d let me, I actively began to try to stop. It’s been 5 hours now and I’m still crying off and on.
I don’t understand. My pleading of “no” has transformed to “I don’t understand”. It’s taken me back to the day that I got the call that my sweet little cousin whom we’d searched for and posted missing flyers had been found , he’d shot himself and committed suicide. It took me back to when I, and many others, believed and prayed for my incredibly amazing mother in-law would be completely healed from cancer and the morning I was woken by my father in-law because she had passed. It took me back to the moment when I heard sweet baby Knox had left this world after only a few short days of life here.
I don’t understand. I don’t see His plan in this. I am so blinded by the pain and sorrow of loss. The thought of “what would it take for me to stop believing” crosses my mind as things like this make me question His will. I want my will to be His so desperately.
This is where I will stand. I will stand in the knowledge that Your will is perfect and far greater than mine. I will stand in the knowledge that you know the end of it all as well as the beginning and I could never fathom the inner workings of You oh God. I stand in faith that You heal the broken hearted and make all things great. I stand knowing that You are counting my tears and will bring joy for every one.
I stand in those things because He gives me strength when I do. He gives me strength to keep going when I want to quit. He whispers “know that I am God” and gently reminds me of how much greater and better He loves each and every one of us. I stand in those things because when I fall it is always Him that picks me up again.
The things I stand in are the only things I truly know and understand. He is great. When I need a reminder I look at the heavens and how perfect they were made. How constant but ever changing. When I look to people around me I no longer understand. But when I look at the things He made without the sin that distorts it all, I breathe in deep with understanding.
To console those who mourn in Zion, To give them beauty for ashes, The oil of joy for mourning, The garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; That they may be called trees of righteousness, The planting of the LORD, that He may be glorified.” (‭Isaiah‬ ‭61‬:‭3‬ NKJV)