That’s how I reacted when I found out I was pregnant. I was terrified. But our first boy was so easy until about 2.5-3.
We have now entered that stage with our second son and I’m having an EXTREMELY hard time with it. This kid screams and cries and kicks ALL THE TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!! You tell him “no”, he can’t kick and shove his 1 yr old sister away from mama and he screams and flails and throws a fit. He asks you a question “where’s dada?” And you answer him “He’s at work” and he screams “NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!” And proceeds to throw a tantrum.
Nothing works with him. I whisper “Stop. Shhhhh. No more fit.” And he keeps screaming. I hold him and hug him, and he screams in my ear. After about half an hour I have been known to lose it and yell back. Many times I have ended up in tears with him.
I have PTSD from this and any time I move or cough I twitch and my stomach lurches because it might set him off.
He has been tested and is doing fine. Supposedly, this is NORMAL. Well, is using duct tape during the stage “normal” cause it should be.
What makes it really difficult is, when it’s all over and I want to be as far away from him as possible, he wants to hug and hold me and give me kisses. Seriously. Or sometimes, he’ll stick out his bottom lip so far (this one has some plump lips as it is and this, this just takes the cake) and look up at me with his big beautiful blue eyes and be so freaking adorable I’ll think “he’ll fool anyone into thinking he’s perfect and sweet when he’s actually a terror.” It’s a very good thing he’s so cute or I don’t know if I’d even like the kid at all. (Though his cuteness factor may be a bias, I’m pretty sure God knew how much this kid would make me want to throw myself from a moving vehicle.)
He’s got perfect little ringlets in his soft brown hair that easily turn wild and a bit ratted dread lock like. These don’t help me. Round, apple cheeks, that are so soft and sweet. As previously stated, big blue eyes, that are surrounded by eyelashes for days. Lips that are like two short fat gummy worms and as sweet too when he puckers them up for a kiss. All combine to make the perfect weapon. The look of sweet innocence. Almost fictional cuteness. And then… WHAM!!!! A yell that tears your hair right off your head. A scream that makes your mind run away. Kicks that put bass drums to shame for shaking and vibrating an entire house.
I had never known stress until this stage. I have never been reduced to tears and laying lifelessly so much. It sucks every ounce of life, joy, peace, anything good or decent, out of me. I think a steamroller would leave more of me behind.
I look at the future and see this long dark tunnel of screaming. Like the hall of a haunted house. Actually, that describes it perfectly. The hall of a haunted house, because even if nothing is happening you still have that sick feeling and are ready to jump sky high. The anxiety shoots through the roof.
Then, suddenly the clouds clear and he’s hugging me and pressing his cheek to my own cheek, neck or chest as he holds on tightly, hoping to have a sign that I still love him. He snuggles in and is ready to stay there. But then, his sister needs attention or his brother does and it starts all over again. He may have been meant to be an only child. Definitely not meant for a middle child but here we are.
The bright side is, he has worn me down to not worry about WHY my kid is screaming because the odds are, there’s absolutely no sense to why and nothing wrong with the kid either. So… yay for that.
I hope you enjoy this little dose of birth control. If you’re sad about not having children, please don’t judge me for having a hard time HAVING children. I do that enough for everyone. But DO feel free to come on over and listen to the screaming, I’ve had at least one friend who was having conception problems say “ohhh I’m SOOOO glad I don’t have kids!” So we can help with that.
I have a language problem. Some call it French, others call it foul. I don’t know how it happened.
Before having children I said MAYBE 20 cuss words my entire life. Most of them were said when I was about 9 years old on a playground to show I was “cool” HAHAHAHAHA!!! Cussing wasn’t apart of my life.
I’ve heard some say that cussing is a sign of a “lack of intelligence”, that if you resort to cussing it’s because your brain doesn’t have enough in it to convey yourself in a more appropriate manner. That totally makes sense! Before having children I had a fully functioning brain that got plenty of sleep and worked on ALMOST all cylinders. Now, I’m lucky if I remember my own name and have my clothes on right side out. (Side note: I once wore my pants inside out two days in a row. Cause pants don’t get dirty.) It’s only logical now since my brain is much like oatmeal that’s sat out for days on end that the only words left in my head are those from my 3rd grade year on the playground.
I don’t mean to cuss. It just pops out and always seems very appropriate for describing things or situations. I’m rarely in public situations anymore but so far I’ve kept the words in when I am.
Now we come to the part that I’ve wondered about for many years. Who decided that cuss words were bad? Who said $#!t was a foul word for poop? I know f_ck came from Fornication Under Command of the King. Really, how is that bad? That’s more an inconvenience than bad. Or was it not with your spouse that you were fornicating with? Hmm…
Anyways! There are so many words that shock and make others indignant or horrified. Who decided that those words were to be that way? They’re not the same words in every language. In fact, not that these are curse words, I discovered recently that “get” and “killing” meant “goat” and “kid” in Swedish. (? Shoot now I can’t remember for certain what language it was.) However, $#!t is “skit” in Swedish, so when you go to church functions and they perform a “skit” on stage… well… be SHOCKED and HORRIFIED!!
Skit knulla to you all. LOL!!!! Please pray for my foul mouth!!!
Sometimes we will be driving along and; either in too much of a hurry, or just enjoying the beauty of the drive, we miss a giant pothole directly in our path. Have you ever done that? Then you hit it and you’re so jarred you have to really concentrate to get control of the wheel back. Or worse, suddenly your tire blows and your stuck on the side of the road?
Life can be like that. You’ll be so distracted by so many things that you don’t see this huge ugly pothole that’s coming straight at you. After you hit it you realize how it could have easily been avoided or you make excuses about how there was no way you would have seen it. Hopefully you’re the former type of person. The latter type sometimes makes me want to pull my hair out. I do that sometimes, so it’s surprising that I’m not bald, maybe that’s why God blessed me with the massive amount of hair that I have (seriously. It’s a TON. I’ve yet to meet a stylist or anyone who touches my hair that doesn’t comment on how much I have.) so that there’s no chance of me going bald from driving myself crazy.
If you are jarred or sitting on the side of the road after hitting one of life’s potholes I hope you find hope in the One that can help you see all future potholes. If we become so intent on Him that all we do is wait for His instruction we will avoid potholes and have quite the smooth ride.
How easy is that though?! Way easier said than done. We get distracted by the shiny and the smooth words that make our pride and ego bright and pretty. We hear words from people who make our flesh feel nice (sometimes quite literally, if ya know what I mean. Nudge* nudge* wink* wink*). Or sometimes (this is typically my case here) we throw a temper tantrum. We are sick of not getting our way and basically say “FINE! I’m doing THIS then! How do you like THAT huh?!” And go our own way only to slam into that pothole so hard you see stars.
For example. I began watching a show that my spirit was very much against. My stomach twisted and turned as I watched it but I kept watching episodes. Suddenly there was chaos around me. My kids weren’t napping. I was insanely irritable and cranky. Screaming and crying were nonstop, when one kid wasn’t crying or screaming another one was. I was so frustrated and wore out and I was going ‘what the heck is going on?!’ As I lay down to take a break from it all (my wonderful hubby always makes sure I get some sort of break every single day) and I go to click on that show and I think ‘what if it’s this? What am I allowing in my home by watching this? That’s crazy, it’s just a show! If anything it builds my faith cause I know none of this can touch me cause I’ve got Jesus. … but what if. Ok, I’ll test it out. I’ll stop watching it for a couple days and see what happens.’ So I did. I haven’t watched it since.
Turns out- it was definitely bringing something into my home and to my family. It stirred things up in the spiritual battle that is going on and made the fight even harder. I’m not saying that everything is suddenly perfect but man! It’s definitely WAY better. So much so that I noticed a massive change and will not be watching that show.
That may sound absolutely insane to most of you who happen to come across this but the proof was in that pudding for sure. Give it a shot, if something you’re doing makes you feel worrisome or just not quite right and everything is chaos around you, try stopping some of the things you’re doing that you have that little voice telling you that you shouldn’t. Try it. See what happens. Worst that can happen is you keep on thinking I’m crazy cause nothing changed. Best that can happen is you get some peace in your life.
May you all find more peace in your life and may you trust Christ a bit more today than you did yesterday.
Now the God of peace be with you all. Amen. (Romans 15:33 NKJV)
I have an odd habit. I have started to randomly flip the bird/give the finger to windows and camera lenses. This started about a year and a few months ago. I swear I’m a nice person.
When we first moved here to Utah we had a couple of neighbors who told us which windows they could see into and how they could hear us. It left me going “what… why are you telling me this? Is this a warning that you can’t control yourself from being a peeping Tom?” So in my irritation with the fact that I either had to lock up for the apocalypse or endure nosey nellies I began to randomly give my windows the finger.
Now, armed with the knowledge that many apps on my phone will randomly use my camera and take photos for their benefit and without my explicit consent, I also flip my phone off pretty regularly. I also make sure that if my lens is uncovered I should at least make it worth their while and give them pictures they wish they’d never seen, in hopes that they won’t bother using my camera.
I consider this logical and completely sane behavior. Are you a peeper? Say hello to my lil frien!!! I call him Stanly.
Have you ever been living your merry life and dealing with random, mostly physical, insecurities when suddenly a freight train of insecurity comes out of nowhere and runs you down. I mean, seriously, no train tracks, no horn, no sign of this thing until WHAM! You’ve been run down and are left laying there going “man, I’m so not good enough.”
Yeah, that just happened. So, if you’ve read any of my other posts this is pretty obvious but please allow me to state the obvious as I am a captain f it, I am a Christian. I’m also human. I’ve never considered myself a great Christian. To be honest, I pretty much suck at it most times. I read a few verses daily (mostly because they’re in my newsfeed on Facebook) and I do devotionals through my app inconsistently. The one thing I’m really awesome at is talking to God. Even before I began an actual relationship with God I talked to Him. I’m pretty sure I have never gone a day without talking to God. Every once in awhile I’ll listen, and man it works out awesomely when I do!
When it comes to all those amazing Christian women who are soft spoken and always have a kind word to say and a serene smile on their faces, that’s not me. I’m loud, obnoxious, my mouth speaks faster than my mind can keep up with, I say mean things, I say wrong things, I often prove to be a fool, my face is an open book and that book is VERY animated, and gracefulness is rarely found when I move. I did discover that I’m not too shabby at yoga when making a video of my hilarious antics in trying to do yoga with small children though! I am far from the epitome of a good Christian woman. I’ve been mostly ok with that though. I have always felt that God loves me for who I am because He made me who I am. He made us each different so we can reach different.
Until today. I began reading a fellow Christian mom’s fb page and suddenly became aware of how I’m not measuring up to her standard. Not that she’s even given me her standard. This just suddenly popped in and ran me over. I am feeling like I need to step it up as a Christian and be more like all the quiet, calm, women I see.
But then, this quiet voice tells me, (and we KNOW that’s not me cause quiet voices and I are only in acquaintance because of bedtime and nap time), ‘How boring would it be with everyone exactly the same. Let her be perfect as she is and why don’t you be perfect as you are. You know, the way God made you. You are good enough!’
Yep. So. Anyone out there reading this. Be you. Exactly as God made you. You are good enough and He loves you! Look for the goals that HE sets for you, don’t try to reach for goals that He’s set for someone else. You’ll have no passion for them and will fall flat.
I recently have been seeing posts about how we are no longer to comment or tell our daughters they’re pretty or beautiful, that we should only comment on their minds. Supposedly, by telling them this it will make them believe that their worth is in their physical appearance only. We definitely don’t want our children (sons OR daughters) to believe their worth is solely in their physical appearance that’s for certain.
I also read, this was quite sometime ago (I wish I could remember where cause it’s one of the best things I’ve read to date, if you happen to be reading this and know where I read this, possibly Power of a Praying Parent, please let me know in the comments), that every day we send our kids out into the world and they are covered with “post-it” notes of affirmation that we have posted on them. With every negative comment toward them a post-it note is removed and soon they can be left with nothing covering them. They will be bombarded with negativity, criticism, and picked away at by words that are tossed carelessly. Remembering the rough times so clearly from my childhood I tend to agree with this line of thinking.
As a result of both of these I have decided, I will tell my daughter she is beautiful. I will tell her she’s beautiful as often as I can. I will tell her this because she is. Outside and inside she is the prettiest girl I’ve ever met or seen. She may be only one but she has more personality and determination than many adults I’ve ever met (I’m POSITIVE that I will be LOVING this determination as she gets older HAAAA!!!!). She even, seemingly, sets goals and works to achieve them. She inspires me in this.
That may be the weirdest thing you’ve ever heard and you’re probably sitting there going ‘SERIOUSLY? She’s OOONNNNE!’ Lol! But, seriously! Like with walking. She suddenly decided she wants to walk, she takes time and does squats and works (on her own, not towards anything in particular) to take steps every single day now. Ever since that one day she discovered that walking is a possibility. I know I sound like a total nut job and an overly proud mom but, she’s my third child and after watching how my boys learned to walk, she’s different, the boys seemed to do this without any thought. It was a wind and release and off they went banging into things and knocking their heads around as they went. With my girl, it’s more purposeful. She concentrates and has a focus that my boys didn’t have. Of course as I’m writing this she comes over to me and is trying to eat the paper off of a water bottle, I took it off the bottle and she weaseled it back and tried unsuccessfully to put it back on the bottle only to eat it again. She is one after all.
Anyways! I will tell her she’s beautiful and pretty because I don’t believe it’s anything more than a mindset. It is a confidence you carry and a way that you love on people. It’s a joy that shines through you that can’t be snuffed out. That is what beauty is. Whether everyone states that or not, in the end that is what it is.
I experienced this in my short life already. Until my early to mid twenties I was skinny and a pretty girl. I modeled and was often told I was pretty and hit on often by boys and men that were generally not the kind of male that ANY mom or dad would want for their daughter. I felt ugly though. I thought I was fat (even when my hip bones stuck out at least an inch!) and went to drastic measures to lose weight, thankfully I did a few research reports on bulimia and anorexia so I knew what TO do and what NOT to do. I had horrible self esteem. After I began my relationship with Christ I stopped terrorizing myself and began to just bask in His love and the joy He filled me with. Suddenly, I was 18 and happy with everything. My life, my body, it was all wonderful!
I married young at only 19(!!!) and became even more settled and content and happy. Between the destruction that I’d caused my body and food allergies/intolerances, I began to gain weight. I gained a hundred pounds, (my chiropractor later told me I didn’t need to be as low of a weight as I had been because my bones weren’t made for that weight, now that was nice to hear! Less to lose!) but I was happier and filled with more confidence than ever and guess what?! Suddenly I was being hit on by very good looking men, I swear I’m not bragging I’m being for real here, I worked at a gym and regularly saw guys who could be models and suddenly they were flirting with me. With ME!!! Some were still the kind that no parent would want near their kid but many were great guys. I was amazed! I looked back and reminisced over photos of when I was skinny and couldn’t figure it out until one night hanging out with friends. My husband and I hung out with a group of married friends and we were always very blunt and honest with each other. While playing games one night a male friend came out and said (I don’t even remember how we got on the topic) that of course guys were attracted to me “you’re pretty, and always so happy”. Well, I sure couldn’t take the credit for my joy. It was a God given gift that filled me every moment I spent in his presence.
After that I began to take notice of how my every day choice of spending time with God and worshipping Him made a difference in my physical and emotional appearance. Talk about incentive! Plus! Think about this: have you ever seen someone and gone “Whoa! They’re HOT!” and then you talk with them and suddenly they’re not so good looking after all? Then, the more you get to know them the more ugly they become and suddenly you’re shocked you ever found them even remotely attractive? They go from GQ David Beckham to one of those hairless dogs (something crusty terrier) with serious teeth problems. Or, not been attracted to someone physically even a little and you become friends with them and suddenly they’re the best looking person you know? That! It’s that!! That’s exactly what I’m talking about.
So, my conclusion is this: kids get picked on, torn down, bullied, and badly criticized, every single day. It’s up to us, the ones who love them and see all their best and their worst, to build them up and create a covering of post-its that can leave them bare. We need to tell them they’re beautiful or handsome, as well as telling them of their sweetness and intelligence. It is not one single attribute that makes someone beautiful, it’s certainly not only physical appearance.
Today my husband, of 13(!!!) years on Monday, and I went on a date to celebrate our anniversary. We hadn’t been on one in about 6 months but we SPLURGED (HA! HA!) and got a sitter and went to a movie (at the $1.25 theater LOL!).
With the discovery that we CAN get a sitter and go on a date for LESS than $50.00 we will most likely be doing this more often. We sat in a room that smelled of a public restroom after someone has taken a poo and watched Maleficent. It was awesome! Minus the slight poop smell, I mean it’s a $1.25 theater, I was excited we didn’t stick to the floor and didn’t have a child screaming bloody murder or trying to climb to the very top of our heads. It was romantic! When you get approximately one date per year, your expectations are very simple.
We held hands and snuggled… well it was almost a threesome considering the armrest in-between wouldn’t move HAHA! He opened the doors for me and we both generally kept looking at each other as if we just got married.
After, as I drove our sitter home I reminisced (as she absently replied with “uh huh” and gazed out the window with a look that said ‘ok you can stop now’ LOL) about how I first fell for my love. I never believed anyone who told me “just wait, you’ll know” when it came to “THE ONE” I would marry. I thought, that’s just how it happened for them, it won’t be like that for me. And then I imagined that a few too many boys were THE ONE (SQUEEEE!!!!). Only to be sorely(!!!) disappointed when I discovered they were very much NOT “the one” and they came crashing down from the pedestal I had placed them.
When I saw my ONE it was a crash or a boom or the earth stood still, though it did move slower and things sort of faded away while my spirit kind of turned my head to him. It was a “hmmm” type of feeling. It was as if everything in me calmed and settled knowing he was who God meant for me. I was very young (19!!!) and definitely not a calm personality type so that was a pretty big deal. I fought the thought that would pick at me saying “you’re going to marry him” because I never imagined myself married. Single parent- yes, married- no. I had déjà vú more often than ever and still fought it. As I prayed for God to make the dreams stop so I could focus on what I needed to I had “daydreams” or visions of our wedding. I had dreams of our daughter and our life together far into the future. It freaked me out! I talked to women I trusted, leaders, (total of 3) in hopes that our conversations would bring me back to what I was SURE was reality, a reality that said I wasn’t going to marry him. It wasn’t that I didn’t like him, it was that it was too freaky to think of marriage at nineTEEN years old.
After dating him for awhile I became more settled about the whole marriage thing but never told him until after we married about my dreams and visions. I mean, seriously, that’s freaky whacko stuff right?!
Today he is still the man who makes my heart flip flip and slow roll. When he holds me in his arms I feel like everything is at peace in this world. I miss him when he’s at work. I love laughing with him. The best sound in the world is him playing with our children and hearing them all laugh (some more hysterically than others). He is in every sense, the very man of my dreams.
May you all be so blessed to find your ONE at such a freaky whacko young age!
I realize I could easily google this but… my brain has latched onto the idea that google was named from googly eyes. Pretty sure I’m onto something here.
My imagination can be like a wild cat, skittish and jumpy at every little thing- ready to scamper off down some crazed path if movement is sensed. But names interest me. When naming my children it didn’t matter how much I LOVED the name, if the meaning sucked the name was tossed out. Some name meanings are absolutely ridiculous. I don’t remember what the name was, it was one I liked, but it meant something like “field surrounded by trees” or something stupid like that. Who comes up with these things?
Now google, if it was named for googly eyes, that’s freakin brilliant!
The last time I enjoyed talking on the phone all the time I was in middle school. I’m pretty sure that the ONLY reason I enjoyed it so much was because I wasn’t supposed to and had a daily time-limit of 15 minutes for phone. It was the forbidden fruit!
With texting I have begun to dread talking on the phone even more. When my phone rings and I look at the number or name of who is calling it’s so rare that the thought of “YAY! I get to talk on the phone!!” happens. It’s always, ‘uggggggghhhhhhh I have to take this’ because it’s child related or something important.
I’ve started noticing that it’s not just me that finds ending the phone call insanely awkward. Can someone please tell me how to end a conversation?! How did I forget this piece of knowledge? It’s always obvious that we are all done talking but we are both trying to be polite and end up dragging the conversation on for far longer than necessary and suddenly I’m in a nursing home still having this crazy awkward conversation.
Can everyone just text now? It’s way nicer and easier to end or even pause the conversation and more often than not, with text I can actually understand what you’re saying. With small children they’re either yelling and screaming, throwing throat punches and pulling hair trying to get to the phone while I(!!!!) am talking, or it’s the coveted nap time when peace and quiet SHOULD be reigning. Seriously. You mess with this and I will cut you. I’m talking to YOU UPS MAN!!!!!!!!!! Your knock is FAR louder than necessary. They can hear you in china for crying out loud!!!!!!!!
Anyways! Phone calls. Awkward right?
1 a : unmerited divine assistance given humans for their regeneration or sanctification b : a virtue coming from God c : a state of sanctification — the state of growing in divine grace as a result of Christian commitment after baptism or conversion. Sanctify- 1 : to set apart to a sacred purpose or to religious use : consecrate 2 : to free from sin : purify 3 a : to impart or impute sacredness, inviolability, or respect to b : to give moral or social sanction to 4 : to make productive of holiness or piety ) enjoyed through divine grace 2 a : approval, favor b archaic : mercy, pardon c : a special favor : privilege
disposition to or an act or instance of kindness, courtesy, or clemency e : a temporary exemption.- Miriam-Webster definition.
Thinking about grace today and what it means exactly. Reading the definition was a bit confusing to me especially when they used the word in the definition of the word. That’s just mean! Lol!
The part that stood out to me was when the definition stuck the word “sanctification” in it. It got me thinking how Christians have been set apart for a sacred purpose and that purpose is for giving and showing grace to others.
So, we’ve been given this job here on earth. It’s a job we accepted and wanted but yet it sometimes seems impossible to actually do.
The other part that stood out was “…disposition to or an act or instance of kindness, courtesy, or clemency e : a temporary exemption.” To me that says that we should have the character trait if acting in kindness and sharing our temporary exemption with the world. We will have to answer for the sins we’ve committed but we’ve all been given temporary exemptions because of Christ dying for us.
*What then? Shall we sin because we are not under law but under grace? Certainly not! (Romans 6:15 NKJV)
We live under grace. We have been save by grace.
*For by grace you have been saved through faith, and that not of yourselves; it is the gift of God, not of works, lest anyone should boast. (Ephesians 2:8-9 NKJV)
I don’t know why it seems so many Christians feel they have the right to strip grace away (myself included sometimes) from anyone. We judge harshly (as if we don’t know the love and beauty of grace ourselves) and cut people down because we see their sin and they might not be saved from sin. So because we see that they might not know the Savior who died for their sins and are sinning we decide that we are the judge and get to strip them of grace because they don’t know about it.
Ugh. We see that they don’t know grace and don’t show it to them. Right?! How ridiculous is that?! I often don’t even realize I’m being an @$$ and not showing what God so lovingly gave me and therefore end up turning someone who I could have introduced to the One who saved us by His grace away from it and possibly never wanting to know it from my awful example of Christ. I know that no one wants that if they’re a Christian. We are so thankful for the love, forgiveness, and grace that we’ve been so freely given and want others to know it too. It’s never our intention to smack people around with it or hide it away from anyone with ugliness.
I hope I remember these ponderings (my phone is telling me that “ponderings” is not a word, so looks like I’m going rogue here with vocabulary) of mine on a regular basis, as in every minute. I want to give grace to everyone I come in contact with. Even if I’m DRIVING!!!
Ay. Driving. I have terrible road rage. I just want to be alone on the road because NO ONE but ME knows how to drive. HAHAHAHAHA!!!! Anyone going faster than me is stupid and crazy! Anyone going slower than me is a complete moron that got their driver’s license at the K-Mart Blue Light Special sale! Whyyyyyyy?!?!?! I have no clue. I love driving. I LOVE going fast! I love feeling the power of a nicely powered engine as I step on the gas and my body gets pushed into the seat. It’s exhilarating! Throw in a turbo with many many horses and great handling (modded out Subaru WRX STI please :-D) and I am in sheer bliss! Thrilling doesn’t cover it! Ok, back on track now. Sorry, love cars so I’m easily distracted. ANYWAYS! Put me behind the wheel in traffic and you’ll see no sign of grace for anyone else on the road (unless they’re driving a sweet car). My hands and arms will be flapping wildly and so will my jaw as I tell everyone how they SHOULD be driving. Utterly ridiculous.
I don’t know why this is. Maybe I need professional help. But when I am behind the wheel is my worst time for showing grace. If ya’ll feel called, say many prayers for me cause I want to constantly share the grace that I am CONSTANTLY given.
Hope your day is perfectly lovely (even though it’s a Monday where I am).
May you all know the grace that has been given through love that none of us will ever fully comprehend.