Tag Archives: sorrow

Sorrow and perspective

3 times my heart has been so completely shattered that I can’t see any possibility of it being mended. The pieces can’t possibly be put back together. But because I’ve kept breathing I know I’ll keep breathing and keep going still.
How is it possible to have your heart this broken and still keep living?
I thought I was having a bad day. I thought I was having a bad week! It’s been over a week since my husband or I got any decent sleep. Between that and a nasty previous client (whom I hadn’t had any contact with because she was, until recently, happy with the work done and I’d fulfilled my contract and then some to her) suddenly showed back up by messaging me multiple nasty and hurtful messages on fb, the kids were bickering and made an even bigger mess than usual, then my 2.5 year old got sick and coughed nonstop through the night and didn’t sleep, took him to the urgent care today and it was as if he’d slept perfectly and he was running on the ceiling, I was drenched in sweat and got no answers from the dr but I did get a ton of exasperation. It just seemed to be on thing after another and I was just done. I cried a bit on the way home from the urgent care and cried some more once we got home. So tired and frustrated with my kid.
Then I got a call. It was like being sucker punched by perspective. Every little thing I’d been frustrated and upset about faded and turned into a ray of sunshine. A friend’s baby boy had died.
Not just any baby boy. He was about 8 months old and a twin. I had just commented on the sweet video that his mama had posted of him saying “mama”. I had just like the video of him and his brother giggling together. I’d just liked the picture of him being silly and wanting to eat again after he’d just ate only because his brother was eating. Just like that, he is gone.
I couldn’t say anything but “no” over and over and over again. I began to hope that she was wrong and had been misinformed. After hanging up I went to my knees and didn’t get up for at least an hour. I begged and pleaded with God to please breathe life back into this sweet baby boy. To let him live a long happy life here on earth. I apologized for not being thankful for my children at all times and bargained saying I would now but please bring him back.
After 3 hours of crying and holding my babies as much as they’d let me, I actively began to try to stop. It’s been 5 hours now and I’m still crying off and on.
I don’t understand. My pleading of “no” has transformed to “I don’t understand”. It’s taken me back to the day that I got the call that my sweet little cousin whom we’d searched for and posted missing flyers had been found , he’d shot himself and committed suicide. It took me back to when I, and many others, believed and prayed for my incredibly amazing mother in-law would be completely healed from cancer and the morning I was woken by my father in-law because she had passed. It took me back to the moment when I heard sweet baby Knox had left this world after only a few short days of life here.
I don’t understand. I don’t see His plan in this. I am so blinded by the pain and sorrow of loss. The thought of “what would it take for me to stop believing” crosses my mind as things like this make me question His will. I want my will to be His so desperately.
This is where I will stand. I will stand in the knowledge that Your will is perfect and far greater than mine. I will stand in the knowledge that you know the end of it all as well as the beginning and I could never fathom the inner workings of You oh God. I stand in faith that You heal the broken hearted and make all things great. I stand knowing that You are counting my tears and will bring joy for every one.
I stand in those things because He gives me strength when I do. He gives me strength to keep going when I want to quit. He whispers “know that I am God” and gently reminds me of how much greater and better He loves each and every one of us. I stand in those things because when I fall it is always Him that picks me up again.
The things I stand in are the only things I truly know and understand. He is great. When I need a reminder I look at the heavens and how perfect they were made. How constant but ever changing. When I look to people around me I no longer understand. But when I look at the things He made without the sin that distorts it all, I breathe in deep with understanding.
To console those who mourn in Zion, To give them beauty for ashes, The oil of joy for mourning, The garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; That they may be called trees of righteousness, The planting of the LORD, that He may be glorified.” (‭Isaiah‬ ‭61‬:‭3‬ NKJV)

Another bump in the road.

Sometimes we will be driving along and; either in too much of a hurry, or just enjoying the beauty of the drive, we miss a giant pothole directly in our path. Have you ever done that? Then you hit it and you’re so jarred you have to really concentrate to get control of the wheel back. Or worse, suddenly your tire blows and your stuck on the side of the road?
Life can be like that. You’ll be so distracted by so many things that you don’t see this huge ugly pothole that’s coming straight at you. After you hit it you realize how it could have easily been avoided or you make excuses about how there was no way you would have seen it. Hopefully you’re the former type of person. The latter type sometimes makes me want to pull my hair out. I do that sometimes, so it’s surprising that I’m not bald, maybe that’s why God blessed me with the massive amount of hair that I have (seriously. It’s a TON. I’ve yet to meet a stylist or anyone who touches my hair that doesn’t comment on how much I have.) so that there’s no chance of me going bald from driving myself crazy.
If you are jarred or sitting on the side of the road after hitting one of life’s potholes I hope you find hope in the One that can help you see all future potholes. If we become so intent on Him that all we do is wait for His instruction we will avoid potholes and have quite the smooth ride.
How easy is that though?! Way easier said than done. We get distracted by the shiny and the smooth words that make our pride and ego bright and pretty. We hear words from people who make our flesh feel nice (sometimes quite literally, if ya know what I mean. Nudge* nudge* wink* wink*). Or sometimes (this is typically my case here) we throw a temper tantrum. We are sick of not getting our way and basically say “FINE! I’m doing THIS then! How do you like THAT huh?!” And go our own way only to slam into that pothole so hard you see stars.
For example. I began watching a show that my spirit was very much against. My stomach twisted and turned as I watched it but I kept watching episodes. Suddenly there was chaos around me. My kids weren’t napping. I was insanely irritable and cranky. Screaming and crying were nonstop, when one kid wasn’t crying or screaming another one was. I was so frustrated and wore out and I was going ‘what the heck is going on?!’ As I lay down to take a break from it all (my wonderful hubby always makes sure I get some sort of break every single day) and I go to click on that show and I think ‘what if it’s this? What am I allowing in my home by watching this? That’s crazy, it’s just a show! If anything it builds my faith cause I know none of this can touch me cause I’ve got Jesus. … but what if. Ok, I’ll test it out. I’ll stop watching it for a couple days and see what happens.’ So I did. I haven’t watched it since.
Turns out- it was definitely bringing something into my home and to my family. It stirred things up in the spiritual battle that is going on and made the fight even harder. I’m not saying that everything is suddenly perfect but man! It’s definitely WAY better. So much so that I noticed a massive change and will not be watching that show.
That may sound absolutely insane to most of you who happen to come across this but the proof was in that pudding for sure. Give it a shot, if something you’re doing makes you feel worrisome or just not quite right and everything is chaos around you, try stopping some of the things you’re doing that you have that little voice telling you that you shouldn’t. Try it. See what happens. Worst that can happen is you keep on thinking I’m crazy cause nothing changed. Best that can happen is you get some peace in your life.
May you all find more peace in your life and may you trust Christ a bit more today than you did yesterday.

Now the God of peace be with you all. Amen. (‭Romans‬ ‭15‬:‭33‬ NKJV)