Tag Archives: stress

Twitchy shouldn’t be let out in public.

Ever had a day that had every inch of you twitching from stress? Where you lay there dizzy, you literally feel like the room is rocking, and twitching from the troubles of the day. That is what’s happening right now.
My husband and I planned for a fun trip for him to go on all by himself. He left Friday and shortly after my oldest began to complain about not feeling good “at all”. His head hurt, his mouth hurt, his tummy hurt. Just not feeling well. Kept him on ibuprofen, he had snagged some goldfish at MOPS Thursday and I figured it was mainly the effects of that. A gluten headache (if you’re intolerant) is the nastiest thing. It makes a migraine look like a walk in the park. Friday flew by!
Then, 2:50am comes, I’d already been up a few times with my youngest, my middle, and my oldest child for various reasons; new bottles, couldn’t find her bottle, clean diaper, needed a flashlight to go potty. Suddenly I’m jolted from sleep to a loud cry of “MOMMYYYY!!!!!” He very rarely calls me mommy, I’m almost always “mama”. I race as fast as I can down the hallway and ask him what’s wrong. He’s just crying and blubbering and I couldn’t understand a word. Then he coughs and gags and suddenly we are racing to the toilet.
I’m pretty sure I still had puke on me until sometime around noon. He officially has a virus and it’s a phlegmy one. Between his cranky and fussiness and the neediness that comes with 2 and 1 year olds… I am laying here shaking and shivering from blood pressure craziness.
I know there are single parents out there with no family or friends that help them. I got a glimpse today. I don’t want to look any deeper. No more!! Please no more!!! I have to believe that going to a job brings some balance and relief to the craziness that is small children. Missing them like crazy and being away from them would bring balance to the cling-ons.
But even then. The price of daycare is absolutely insane. If you work 5 days a week, the cheapest I’ve found is $20/day. Doesn’t sound too bad right? No. That’s $400/month. Let’s say you work for $10/hr full time, that’s $1,600/month, (GROSS pay), rent is $800-$1,000, at the most that leaves you with $400 to pay electric bills/phone/food/baby necessities/and various other necessities. That goes FAST!
My brain just can’t handle it.
Then! If your kid gets sick, hey let’s say you have more than one. Let’s say you have 3! That’s going to add at least another $200 to the childcare bill. So, now you have $200 for bills and necessities. And if your kid gets sick, they can’t go to daycare but most daycares make you pay the flat full time fees whether they come or not so you’re still out $600 but you lose a day of work. Plus, with 3 kids they don’t all get sick at the same time, they take turns and drag it all out for months on end. Suddenly, you’re fired because you haven’t been in to work because your kid can’t go to daycare because they’re sick.
I just. No. My heart is being torn to pieces for people out there who live this life. I have no doubt that you figure it out somehow, someway. Because what else can you do? But it’s that very thing that makes my mind explode in awe. You’re freakin amazing!!! Do you know that?! (I’m hoping one of them some day finds this blog. We all know it won’t be when they’re in the midst of it cause any free time they have is used to breathe.)
You. You are freaking amazing. You made it through hours and days and months and years of this stress.
It’s times like this that I think of my birth mom. She was a single parent to 5 children at one time. The oldest was 10 when she started the single parenthood. She relied heavily on that 10 year old and boy did that 10 year old end up damaged. She still complains about it to this day. Talks to me as if it was my fault. Cause I was born and she was 10 years old and being forced to deal with me. Her poor 10 year old brain is still pissed. I don’t blame her. I don’t blame our mom either. Not for relying on her oldest. She’s got plenty of blame for her shoulders for other things but this, not even a little.
When I was 4 she moved us all to a new city where she only knew people from the church we went to. They helped but after awhile we didn’t see any of them anymore. I can imagine it was a huge strain on them and they just couldn’t handle it. She worked nights and days and was probably so relieved that 4 out of 5 of us were in school full days. We lived with some of the friends for awhile and then moved into a 3 bedroom, 1 bathroom, apartment. She slept in the living room, us kids got the bedrooms. My brother left home when he was 13 or 14. He moved in with friends of his, a sweet lds family that made an impact in his life.
I remember neighbors complaining that we were left home alone too much. They never offered to help. But they made sure we knew they didn’t like how we were living.
My memories of my youngest years are so vivid and clear because (according to studies) you tend to remember things better when they were mixed with traumas. Of course they also say you regress things and forget lots because of traumas. Pretty sure they don’t know what they’re talking about in the end.
It is strange to look back on my 12 and under years and see them through the eyes of an adult and a mom. I see things so differently. I have compassion for my birth mom that I never did before. She made so many mistakes. But she was so very broken.
Sexually abused in her childhood, losing a son, divorce, raising 5 kids, and add to that mental illness that she refused to acknowledge and take care of.
I have forgiven her for the many mistakes that she made in raising me. This doesn’t mean I’d welcome her back into my life, no, she hasn’t made any choices to stop making those same mistakes and so she won’t be allowed to make them with my children or continue to make them with me. I love her and I have forgiven her. I can’t imagine how living this every single day would chip away at my sanity and my mind.
The strength that is required to live this kind of life is so immense. I find it hard to believe that anyone even attempts without God.
How do they do it?!
So here I am. Less twitchy, but still shouldn’t be allowed out in public. I’m sure I’ll scare the natives lol!

Kicking and Screaming

That’s how I reacted when I found out I was pregnant. I was terrified. But our first boy was so easy until about 2.5-3.
We have now entered that stage with our second son and I’m having an EXTREMELY hard time with it. This kid screams and cries and kicks ALL THE TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!! You tell him “no”, he can’t kick and shove his 1 yr old sister away from mama and he screams and flails and throws a fit. He asks you a question “where’s dada?” And you answer him “He’s at work” and he screams “NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!” And proceeds to throw a tantrum.
Nothing works with him. I whisper “Stop. Shhhhh. No more fit.” And he keeps screaming. I hold him and hug him, and he screams in my ear. After about half an hour I have been known to lose it and yell back. Many times I have ended up in tears with him.
I have PTSD from this and any time I move or cough I twitch and my stomach lurches because it might set him off.
He has been tested and is doing fine. Supposedly, this is NORMAL. Well, is using duct tape during the stage “normal” cause it should be.
What makes it really difficult is, when it’s all over and I want to be as far away from him as possible, he wants to hug and hold me and give me kisses. Seriously. Or sometimes, he’ll stick out his bottom lip so far (this one has some plump lips as it is and this, this just takes the cake) and look up at me with his big beautiful blue eyes and be so freaking adorable I’ll think “he’ll fool anyone into thinking he’s perfect and sweet when he’s actually a terror.” It’s a very good thing he’s so cute or I don’t know if I’d even like the kid at all. (Though his cuteness factor may be a bias, I’m pretty sure God knew how much this kid would make me want to throw myself from a moving vehicle.)
He’s got perfect little ringlets in his soft brown hair that easily turn wild and a bit ratted dread lock like. These don’t help me. Round, apple cheeks, that are so soft and sweet. As previously stated, big blue eyes, that are surrounded by eyelashes for days. Lips that are like two short fat gummy worms and as sweet too when he puckers them up for a kiss. All combine to make the perfect weapon. The look of sweet innocence. Almost fictional cuteness. And then… WHAM!!!! A yell that tears your hair right off your head. A scream that makes your mind run away. Kicks that put bass drums to shame for shaking and vibrating an entire house.
I had never known stress until this stage. I have never been reduced to tears and laying lifelessly so much. It sucks every ounce of life, joy, peace, anything good or decent, out of me. I think a steamroller would leave more of me behind.
I look at the future and see this long dark tunnel of screaming. Like the hall of a haunted house. Actually, that describes it perfectly. The hall of a haunted house, because even if nothing is happening you still have that sick feeling and are ready to jump sky high. The anxiety shoots through the roof.
Then, suddenly the clouds clear and he’s hugging me and pressing his cheek to my own cheek, neck or chest as he holds on tightly, hoping to have a sign that I still love him. He snuggles in and is ready to stay there. But then, his sister needs attention or his brother does and it starts all over again. He may have been meant to be an only child. Definitely not meant for a middle child but here we are.
The bright side is, he has worn me down to not worry about WHY my kid is screaming because the odds are, there’s absolutely no sense to why and nothing wrong with the kid either. So… yay for that.
I hope you enjoy this little dose of birth control. If you’re sad about not having children, please don’t judge me for having a hard time HAVING children. I do that enough for everyone. But DO feel free to come on over and listen to the screaming, I’ve had at least one friend who was having conception problems say “ohhh I’m SOOOO glad I don’t have kids!” So we can help with that.